March is already here and like the winter days, I am slowly returning to more light. 2017 began with multiple trips to the hospital and Doctors for me; my body demanding my full attention and focus, begging for wellness. On my search to find it, I spent many quiet days at home and when feeling up to it, I started cleaning and organizing in places that haven't seen me in some time. In the purging, I happened upon an old art piece I had made, probably 13 years ago, not long after having my third son. I hadn't thought much about this particular time in my life for a while, and was quite astonished at how clearly it also reflected my present circumstances and current emotional and physical conditions.
Looking at this much younger, and admittedly not well painted version of myself, I was taken back to that little corner of our single garage that I used for my creative messes at that time. I recall desperately wanting to find warm and sunshiney feelings while being stuck in overwhelming darkness and a body I felt was failing me. And sometimes when I could, I made things. And I remember hoping with all my might that my inexperienced brush strokes would impart some light onto my cheap panel board as well my own life.
The little collaged birds were actually made by my then four and 7 year old sons. I wanted to create the possibility of freely flying out of this hopeless place. What better way to show faith than through the hands of my own riotous, radiant, and bright-eyed boys! And who could have known that all these years later the imagery would be so poignant? Perched upon a most intimate nest, those same boys are now flying off to Universities; breasts puffed full of all the luminous life that awaits.
The desire for illumination also drew me to add bits of reflective mirrored glass in the art, an act that would spark many mixed media mosaics over the coming years. Finding this old portrait has shown me how important it is to record our past endeavours, as they can be powerful evolution stories, revealing our personal and creative processes and places.
From an unheated concrete corner, to a treasured commercial studio space, my struggles are different now and yet so the same. Considering my thoughts from that portrait long ago, I realize the limiting beliefs and worries that consumed me then still have a hold on my physical and emotional wellbeing now. I realize how important it is to try to break those patterns so they do not continue to overtake my true self. I realize how tired I am of fighting darkness every January and February.
I realize that in order to embody the radiance I seek in my life, that I will find myself again and again reaching for the power of unfettered creativity, and my inspiring, beautiful boys to fly me to the light.